ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
