We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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