i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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