You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
