with your own penis?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
