Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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