I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
