i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
