All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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