Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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