During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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