she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
