i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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