he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize