He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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