I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
