i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
