6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
