I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
