you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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