Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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