Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
