The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
