I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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