youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
