he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
