I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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