I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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