its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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