dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
