You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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