There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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