On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
