i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
