Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
