We won't sleep together?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
