Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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