Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
