LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize