I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
