i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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