my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
