On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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