; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Randomize
