Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
