he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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