Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
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