So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
