The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
