If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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