My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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