did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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