i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
