pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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