i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
