gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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