everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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