I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
