I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
