Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
