i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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