toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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