So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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