I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dicks are not precious.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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