Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
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