just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I love you. Go after that dick
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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