Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
