i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
do herpes really smell.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
