Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
