I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize